In February before the COVID-19 pandemic shut down BYU campus, I attended BYU Women’s Services & Resources’ Annual Conference on Pornography. The first speaker, Jessica Holfeltz, ACMHC, shared an analogy that one of her clients had drawn during a therapy session. The picture was of a stool which a person was standing on to get something from off the table. In the picture, the client labeled herself as the stool and the person standing on the stool as a family member, a friend, or anyone else within her sphere of influence. Jessica told the client that she was a people pleaser, who desired to help others get what they need, but in return was unable to receive the proper attention, care, and nourishment that she needs and deserves. I too can relate to this story.
From a very young age, my parents have revered me in our family as “The Obedient Child.” I did my chores without needing to be asked, never really asked for anything of monetary value outside of Christmas presents, and had a tendency to want to stay out of trouble. I usually was the mediator during family arguments. Growing up in my house on Greentree Way, I remember during one of my birthday parties, I stayed back in the house to clean while my friends went outside to play because I didn’t want my parents to have to clean the mess we made. I was an odd child. I had a strong desire to please my parents and did not want them to be disappointed. This carried on throughout my years of grade school, wanting to please and not disappoint my teachers, coaches, and church leaders.
Within the last year of returning home from my mission, I have come to realize how much of an impact having a people pleaser mentality has had on me. First, being a people pleaser has made me view happiness and love as conditional on my performance. Second, it has deprived myself of the self care and nourishment I need and deserve. Here are some of the changes I have started to make to address these views:
Understand that God’s Love is Unconditional
As a missionary, the first principle we taught when teaching was “God is our Loving Heavenly Father.” God’s love for you is not conditional on your performance, but rather is free flowing, regardless of the circumstance. No matter how inadequate you may feel and the mistakes that you make, you are deserving of His love. Let me repeat that. YOU ARE DESERVING OF GOD’S LOVE REGARDLESS OF THE CIRCUMSTANCE. In order to heal after years of starving myself of self care and nourishment, I had to start believing that God’s love was unconditional for me. In church we are taught that serving others is a commandment from God. In Mosiah 2:17 it says “And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.” While this may be true, I believe there are limitations to this. First, I believe the “others” the scripture refers to includes “you” too. Second, I continue to seek opportunities to serve those around me, however I now put a priority on taking care of myself first before reaching out. I always thought it was a selfish way to think like that and I’ve also heard that you are able to help yourself by helping others. While in some respects that is true, boundaries need to be set with yourself and the other person, especially if you’re in a relationship that requires lots of attention and care. Remember, you are a person of great value and potential with limitations, who is deserving of love from God, others, and yourself.
Treating Yourself like a Friend
When was the last time you went on a date with yourself? It may sound weird, but yesterday I did just that. I’ve been wanting to go out to eat since the beginning of the week, but because my friend couldn’t go with me, I decided to go by myself. Usually when I go out to eat, I like to go with someone else, but as I was driving over to Chipotle, I realized that I had not had a moment like this in a while to spend time with myself. I am now making it a goal to treat myself once a week. The more attention you give yourself, the more confident and happy you will feel.
Know Your Limitations
I am learning to not suppress my emotions when I am feeling off (this is referring to the acronym BLAST, which stands for boredom, loneliness, angry, stressed, and tired. I’d also include hungry on there, too). Instead of rushing to the next thing in your schedule, schedule a mental break. This week I have made it a goal to meditate for 10 minutes each day. Yesterday as I was walking back to my apartment from the gym, I was feeling off. Instead of rushing to shower, eat, and start some homework, I recognized that I needed a breather. I set a timer for 10 minutes, searched up a meditation playlist on Spotify, and sat on my couch. This helped me think clearly of what thoughts and emotions had been bothering me and write them down in my journal afterwards. I’m glad I did so, because I left that short, yet effective meditation session with a clear mind, feeling reinvigorated, recharged, and refreshed.
There is a liberating feeling once I started to take these maintenance steps to receive this self care. Like a car needs routine maintenance steps, we too need to be periodically “changing our oil” so to speak. A thought that came to me as I was eating my Chipotle out on the front lawn: Happiness comes through taking initiative. You do not need to wait for others to decide your happiness.
Go get it this week!