Growing up in Silicon Valley, there was always a vibe of excellence. My middle school was unique in the way that people started studying for the Pre-SAT in sixth grade. In high school, there was a push to claim leadership roles in school clubs, earn a perfect score on the SAT or ACT, and have a 4.0 GPA. While being in this environment pushed me to excel academically and get into a good college, this led me down a path to adopt a perfectionism mindset.
What Is Perfectionism?
According to Psychology Today’s website, “Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. When healthy, it can be self-motivating and drive you to overcome adversity and achieve success. When unhealthy, it can be a fast and enduring track to unhappiness.”
From this definition of perfectionism, there are two different approaches to looking at it. Today, I will share briefly some thoughts about perfectionism leaning towards the unhealthy version of perfectionism.
Black and White Thinking
Also, known as “All-Or-Nothing thinking,” black and white thinking is the mindset that sees only through two lenses: either you succeeded or you failed. Black and white thinking is conditional on the outcome. For example, let's say you spend hours studying diligently for a test and get a poor grade. Black and white thinking discredits and neglects to acknowledge all the hard work you put into studying for the test, and instead amplifies the outcome of receiving a poor grade. The result is you leaving the situation feeling disappointed, discouraged, dissatisfied, and depressed.
Using the same example of grades, let’s say you got a 9/10 on a test. Black and white thinking would have you focus either on the accomplishment of getting 9/10 right or the frustration of getting 1/10 wrong. I’m sure many of us have felt this before.
Rejoice at the End of the Day
My mission in Taiwan, like many others around the world, have a culture of hard work. However, quite frequently, my mission president would observe that many missionaries were suffering from depression. They would feel like no matter how hard they worked to improve the area, relationship with the ward and their companion, their efforts were never enough. A way I coped with stress and depression on my mission was to work harder. I came to realize that this coping mechanism is not sustainable and wore me out. My flawed thinking led me to believe that the more I was efficient in my goal setting, the better missionary I would be. To my dismay, this form of thinking did not equate to the joy and satisfaction I was looking for. I started to buy into the idea of black and white thinking, believing that if we did not accomplish everything we needed to that day, we were failures.
The fact of the matter is, we could all be doing more every day. However, if we go throughout life not reflecting on what we have been able to accomplish, we will always feel disappointed, discouraged, dissatisfied, and depressed. My mission president encouraged us after returning to our apartments to reflect on the things that went well that day.
This last week, I was reminded of what my mission president shared during my mission. For the last two days, I have been writing down ten good things that I CHOSE to do that day. Over time, I believe my ability to focus on progress rather than the outcome will improve. I will feel more satisfied and motivated to continue with my efforts to improve each day. The more I make a conscious effort to record and reflect on my accomplishments, the greater my ability to see the grace of God in my life will be and I will be able to express sincere gratitude for Him. Most importantly, my ability to care, love, and respect myself will increase. I extend this invitation to you, as well.
Patience
The reality of years of having a perfectionist mindset is that I have come to accept that my brain has literally formed neurological pathways that make me think and behave what I have believed for so long. This said, I acknowledge that it takes time to heal and train my brain to create new neurological pathways that focus on the joy of progress and our effort rather than the outcome. Elder Uchtdorf has said "Patience is a Godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels... Patience is a process of perfection." On the mission, many of the people we taught hesitated on the idea of baptism, because they never would feel ready. This is what we would say: You don’t need to be perfect to be baptized, you are baptized to become perfect. All that is required is a desire to have faith in Jesus Christ and repent. That is all God requires of us, is to see that we are sincerely making an effort to choose to become more like Him. Our efforts do matter, we are enough, and we deserve all the respect and the love from God, others, and ourselves.