To start, I am not the dating expert. The purpose of this blog post is not so much to give dating advice as it is to share from my own experience qualities I have come to look for in a future spouse. Here is what I have learned thus far on 25 dates with 25 different people post mission:
The first question is to ask yourself “Why do I want to get married?” This doesn’t mean you can’t go on dates unless you know the answer to this question (Hint! We learn more about this answer as we date!), however, it is important to think about.
I join Anne Curtis when she says:
Don't Marry Because of SEX,
Don't Marry because you are getting OLD,
Don't Marry because you are of AGE,
Don't Marry because you're LONELY
Don't Marry because you Need someone to Support you FINANCIALLY
Don't Marry because you Mistakenly Got PREGNANT for Him.
Don't Marry because you don't want to LOSE the PERSON
Don't Marry because of Family PRESSURES
Don't Marry because you like the IDEA of Marriage
Don't Marry because of PITY or Out of PITY
Don't Marry because of TRIBE
Don't Marry because you Admire all the WEDDING GOWNS you See
Don't Marry because you Love KIDS,
Don't Marry because all your FRIENDS are getting Married
Don't Marry because of Physical/Academic Qualifications
BUT,
Marry Because you are READY for it
Marry Because of Love
Marry Because you want to Fulfill your PURPOSE
Marry because you want to be a Good HELPMATE...
I PRAY TO GOD ALMIGHTY TO GIVE YOU ALL THE
BEST LIFE
PARTNERS WHO TRULY DESIRE TO MARRY YOU
WITH THE
RIGHT MOTIVES...
A wise mission friend of mine tagged this quote on his wedding photo: “Marriage is not about age; it’s about finding the right person.” – Sophia Bush
If you are looking for a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, ask yourself “What qualities are you looking for in a future spouse?” Once you’ve decided that, ask yourself “Do I possess these qualities myself? If yes, great! Keep developing them. If there are some qualities you lack, ask yourself “What can I do to develop these qualities?” If you are expecting someone else to have these qualities, then you best have them yourself, or be working on developing them too. Creating a list of qualities comes over time with practice and experience. I find myself revising my list after each date I go on. I’ve created an antonym that encompasses the core qualities which I keep in mind, it is called #1 B.A.A.R.S..
She needs to be my number one in my life. I need to be the #1 in her life.
B for Best Friend
This is a no brainer. I need to be able to trust her enough to comfortably share anything with no hesitation, no holding back. She will be someone I can be vulnerable and open with. It will feel natural. We’ll be able to share both laughs and cries.
A for Attractive
I used to think that being physically attracted was only shallow and wasn’t necessary for a strong relationship. WRONG. While it isn’t everything, physical attraction plays its role in a relationship. God created men and women for the purpose of procreation and to build love, intimacy, and connection in a couple relationship. As my family has said, you need to roll over in bed in the morning to see them every day (trust me, the Otanis are not that shallow :,D).
A for Accept
She needs to be accepting of me. My personality. My culture. My life experiences. My struggles. My interests. Both the good and the bad. The whole package. When you feel like you can be genuine, be yourself, and be wholehearted, you will know that she accepts you. Brene Brown says it the best when she says “Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
R for Ready
After my first breakup, my mother gave me this counsel: There needs to be the “right time, right place, and right person.” As frustrating as it was to accept this, I have experienced each of these cases, where two out of the three were met, but the third was the deal-breaker. Here are some questions to consider: Are you AND the other person ready for commitment? Are there any personal matters that need to be sorted out? (previous trauma, addictions, previous relationships) Does this person have a life plan? (mission? graduate school?) In general, the more specific the life plan is, the better. Vague or generalized answers for me are a red flag. I don’t expect them to have “life figured out” but the more they do, the better. Of course you can never be completely prepared, but it can only set you up for success.
S for Spiritual
She needs to put God first. For my parents like many others, Christ has been the glue to their relationship that has helped our family weather the storms in times of contention. In times of hardship, both parties are required to console with and turn to Christ for forgiveness.
I don’t want to make dating sound like an interview, but when you think about it, it is! In fact, it is the MOST important interview you will ever have in your life! For most people, you only marry once. This person is someone you will spend the rest of your life with, someone whom you will raise children with, someone who will be with you during life’s highs and lows, someone whom you will put your whole heart and soul into caring for. Also, don’t see a failed relationship as a means to all ends. See it as an opportunity to understand yourself better, develop your social skills, and become the person God wants you to be. You may think you’ve reached the peak of your development while dating (trust me, I do this all the time), but we have to trust God that there are better and brighter things in our future. In this week’s Come Follow Me, I read “And the Lord would not suffer that they should stop beyond the sea in the wilderness, but he would that they should come forth even unto the land of promise, which was choice above all other lands, which the Lord God had preserved for a righteous people” (Ether 2:7).
I’d like to end with my testimony that I know God has a plan in store for EACH of us. He has invested so much, and will continue to be actively involved in the details of our lives. Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer and makes it possible for daily improvement and repentance. If there is anything I can do for you during these times of turmoil, please reach out. :)
